If I still love you? I love, I love, yes. I had to keep the love inside me, lock it and forget where I kept the key.
My heart was broken and I needed to breathe.
If I passed this stage you can too. It was not easy, of course, I needed help from friends, a psychologist, and an overwhelming will to overcome. But that was just one of the battles I had to face to be stronger. Had friends who could not take it, I think today, did they really make friends? Today I leave you well below my list. I do not care if they disappear as soon as you’re gone. It makes no difference. I made new friends and strengthened ties that were loosened because I was too focused on one group. Today I’m lighter, in the end, everything has become learning. I remain happy, paying more attention to myself and what I enjoy. Sometimes our memories come, but it does not hurt anymore.
“So far technology has succeeded in making us forget everything … except the things we do not want to remember” Michel Gondry.
This phrase comes from a movie that I really like “Eternal shine of a mind without memories”
I thought a lot about this movie today. How wonderful it would be to be able to erase all our memories. I have read that what keeps our memories alive is interest and emotion. That had (today I know that my interests and my emotions were different from yours and it hurts). The first few months without you I did not want to believe, I made excuses for myself to justify why you got out of my bed on Monday morning and did not come back. I figured I’d done something wrong but the weekend was so good? In the days that followed I did not want to look at your social networks, I was afraid of what you could be doing without me, I was glad to see your status on whatssapp and wait for your message. I never saw you online which was perfectly understandable since the person you spoke to most was me (if you ask, you will say no, as I said before, but how do you explain the two hours in the call history? and every night that we’ve been awake?), anyway, I waited. No Sinal. I focused on my change that would happen in a few days. I waited. No Sinal. I traveled. Confused, because I wanted you to go with me. And you were so close. Not a message. Neither a Merry Christmas nor a Happy New Year. Anything. I could not stand it and asked if something had happened if we had not enjoyed our evening together. You said you liked it a lot, but you did not want to get involved with anyone serious at the moment. Nothing made sense yet again. I respected it. A little later I realized that I had blocked myself in one in the instagram (I had already stopped following him and I realized that he too), after a long time without talking, I wanted to question him about it, instead I cursed a friend and the urge to tell him passed. I let it go, decide it was not worth the effort. On a beautiful day, a friend request appears. I accepted. I tried to pull the subject. Coldness. I tried to make a call. Lock again. This time I was not so rational. I undressed. The truth was not very well accepted. Because the truth is only good out of mouth, it gives throats inside it tastes bitter. We fought. For a change he chose silence to commit himself to explanations. It was all arranged, everything was staged as everything we live. The blow was hard. I made a huge effort to stand. Shortly thereafter it appears with another. Serious relationship. I uncontrolled. I was floorless. I knew I needed help. I looked. So strange to want to forget someone who loved so much. What to do when you realize that in the same proportion you gave love you received masked contempt of manipulation and low games?!
Some will say it is selfish. When thinking about it, also think about what you have contributed to reach that point. There is no selfishness when individualism has taken over people. Others will not understand the fact that I am happy, making jokes, probably these will be the people almost always distant, who does not like to hear that it is not well, that gives the standard answer “everyone has problems” How does one talk with this kind of person? Some have reminded me and are sure that they could have done more and others have not bothered to stop and think, to follow their lives normally, tomorrow is a new day. There are also those who wept over my body and will mourn my death, they will know exactly where they went wrong. I will not stand here pointing out the error of each one with me, I will not make this letter another chapter of thirteen reasons why, because I am free, maybe I still have to pay for it in an alternative world. Maybe there is a God and I should kneel at your feet and ask for forgiveness. I’m not afraid anymore. My fear is of empty, futile and individualistic people, who are happy with the suffering of others, my fear is of people who do not know what reciprocity is, who only expect the next gives more than nothing gives in return. My fear is of those who are silent when injustices occur or of those who find grace in the humiliation of others. I do not understand how the world works and I can not take love anymore. I apologize to my family, I loved you and I recognize your love for me, but the world is cruel. There is no comfort in death and unfortunately I can not say that everything will be fine, but I know they will find their way.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my plans. I’almost finishing my college, I’ve studied a lot and there’s still so much I want to do. I’ve been doing lists of what I want for now, what I’ve done and what I have to do before I actually finish college.
I lived here for 5 years but I still do not Know the city, I went to museums, exhibitions, parties, bars but there is still so much to see. I wanted to learn Italian and French and finally decided to enroll, Italian no yet, I started the Spanish course too, it is not my favorite language but learning is accurate.
I wanted a love ah… This is harder. So I started looking and found it, but I do no think it has yet. I lived here with the following thought, there is no love in São Paulo, and I think this is true, in parts, for a long time I thought it was the rush of the other, but I realized that deep down they do not want to, because it is easier to live without having to give to the other.
So I gave up, I decided they’re going to have to find me now. I did not give up on love, no that, but I’II leave it a while, inside me.