It’s been a while since you’ve been gone. Everyone says I should get over it, because it would not really work. And life does not wait, there is no button to pause and you can not return my love. How did I let it happen? I’ll write to you and take you out of my body. I think if you put everything on paper, there will be nothing left. I told you once, “I write to get the bad things out of me,” do you remember that? I still cry when it’s hard to endure things that I can not change and I can not understand. When you have so much to process that my head and my heart seem to explode. When your lack threatens the life I’ve struggled so hard to build. Right now my face is wet and some tears have wet the paper while I write this letter, even if you never read, I will write for you. This is my diary screaming.
“So far technology has succeeded in making us forget everything … except the things we do not want to remember” Michel Gondry.
This phrase comes from a movie that I really like “Eternal shine of a mind without memories”
I thought a lot about this movie today. How wonderful it would be to be able to erase all our memories. I have read that what keeps our memories alive is interest and emotion. That had (today I know that my interests and my emotions were different from yours and it hurts). The first few months without you I did not want to believe, I made excuses for myself to justify why you got out of my bed on Monday morning and did not come back. I figured I’d done something wrong but the weekend was so good? In the days that followed I did not want to look at your social networks, I was afraid of what you could be doing without me, I was glad to see your status on whatssapp and wait for your message. I never saw you online which was perfectly understandable since the person you spoke to most was me (if you ask, you will say no, as I said before, but how do you explain the two hours in the call history? and every night that we’ve been awake?), anyway, I waited. No Sinal. I focused on my change that would happen in a few days. I waited. No Sinal. I traveled. Confused, because I wanted you to go with me. And you were so close. Not a message. Neither a Merry Christmas nor a Happy New Year. Anything. I could not stand it and asked if something had happened if we had not enjoyed our evening together. You said you liked it a lot, but you did not want to get involved with anyone serious at the moment. Nothing made sense yet again. I respected it. A little later I realized that I had blocked myself in one in the instagram (I had already stopped following him and I realized that he too), after a long time without talking, I wanted to question him about it, instead I cursed a friend and the urge to tell him passed. I let it go, decide it was not worth the effort. On a beautiful day, a friend request appears. I accepted. I tried to pull the subject. Coldness. I tried to make a call. Lock again. This time I was not so rational. I undressed. The truth was not very well accepted. Because the truth is only good out of mouth, it gives throats inside it tastes bitter. We fought. For a change he chose silence to commit himself to explanations. It was all arranged, everything was staged as everything we live. The blow was hard. I made a huge effort to stand. Shortly thereafter it appears with another. Serious relationship. I uncontrolled. I was floorless. I knew I needed help. I looked. So strange to want to forget someone who loved so much. What to do when you realize that in the same proportion you gave love you received masked contempt of manipulation and low games?!
I feel the interval of the jumps, I hear the wind that strikes the windows, I open them and I see nothing else. Love passes in an instant, a particular, heavy, vital temporal. I made a point of ignoring the losses, the deviations, the disappointments that always went hand in hand. Until it did not, and I did not realize it. Each passing day I miss more of these passing paths, the summer rain they call desire, love, affection, for which I gave myself (in depth) – until they drowned me. Storm that scares, breaks half said of things but irrigates the plantations, prepares the crops. The days were ruined so that they would come; expectations downhill, followed by unexpected happiness. I only feel that I have already enjoyed more, that I have loved more, and today I am less, surrounded by stories in half, lost in my own labyrinths. I wish I had been ideal, less self-centered, immune to the slaps of time, and whoever I had, and whoever I was. I’ve wanted it so badly that it’s almost banal now; because I complain about everything I’ve gone through, everything that still hurts, and if I could go back in time (hypocritical like myself) I would do it all over again.
If the last person who hurt you would call you now, would you forgive? This is a current question on social networks. My answer? It’s not because someone hurt you once you have to allow it to continue. Forgiveness is often for ourselves. I sincerely believe that I am a good person and that I do not awaken evil in anyone, but if unfortunately evil reaches me, and we know that it reaches, I regard it as personal growth and I forgive the person, for me, for her and for others that will pass in my life and do not deserve to prove the bitterness that another caused. Every person who passes into our lives has the right to fulfill his role without the shadow of someone who is gone. Go in peace. You are forgiven.
The other time she said it would be the last.
He locked himself in his sand castle.
He could not remember how to walk on the street of homesickness and on the sidewalks of loneliness.
But she saw him crying and tried to approach.
Keep your feet on the ground while your head is in the clouds,
That’s what they said…
But it was too late.
It was a trap and she does not know how to get back
Her sand castle collapsed and she was unprotected.
If it’s not real, you can not play with like hands
Can not feel with the heart
But if you believe and even in the dark you can see
Maybe you can come back!