Diary

You’re the worst thing that still exists in me.

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It’s been a while since you’ve been gone. Everyone says I should get over it, because it would not really work. And life does not wait, there is no button to pause and you can not return my love. How did I let it happen? I’ll write to you and take you out of my body. I think if you put everything on paper, there will be nothing left. I told you once, “I write to get the bad things out of me,” do you remember that? I still cry when it’s hard to endure things that I can not change and I can not understand. When you have so much to process that my head and my heart seem to explode. When your lack threatens the life I’ve struggled so hard to build. Right now my face is wet and some tears have wet the paper while I write this letter, even if you never read, I will write for you. This is my diary screaming.

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Diary · Writing about life

It still hurts but not forever – I hope

gi-carved-healing-stone-58b9785a3df78c353cdd30bc“So far technology has succeeded in making us forget everything … except the things we do not want to remember” Michel Gondry.
This phrase comes from a movie that I really like “Eternal shine of a mind without memories”
I thought a lot about this movie today. How wonderful it would be to be able to erase all our memories. I have read that what keeps our memories alive is interest and emotion. That had (today I know that my interests and my emotions were different from yours and it hurts). The first few months without you I did not want to believe, I made excuses for myself to justify why you got out of my bed on Monday morning and did not come back. I figured I’d done something wrong but the weekend was so good? In the days that followed I did not want to look at your social networks, I was afraid of what you could be doing without me, I was glad to see your status on whatssapp and wait for your message. I never saw you online which was perfectly understandable since the person you spoke to most was me (if you ask, you will say no, as I said before, but how do you explain the two hours in the call history? and every night that we’ve been awake?), anyway, I waited. No Sinal. I focused on my change that would happen in a few days. I waited. No Sinal. I traveled. Confused, because I wanted you to go with me. And you were so close. Not a message. Neither a Merry Christmas nor a Happy New Year. Anything. I could not stand it and asked if something had happened if we had not enjoyed our evening together. You said you liked it a lot, but you did not want to get involved with anyone serious at the moment. Nothing made sense yet again. I respected it. A little later I realized that I had blocked myself in one in the instagram (I had already stopped following him and I realized that he too), after a long time without talking, I wanted to question him about it, instead I cursed a friend and the urge to tell him passed. I let it go, decide it was not worth the effort. On a beautiful day, a friend request appears. I accepted. I tried to pull the subject. Coldness. I tried to make a call. Lock again. This time I was not so rational. I undressed. The truth was not very well accepted. Because the truth is only good out of mouth, it gives throats inside it tastes bitter. We fought. For a change he chose silence to commit himself to explanations. It was all arranged, everything was staged as everything we live. The blow was hard. I made a huge effort to stand. Shortly thereafter it appears with another. Serious relationship. I uncontrolled. I was floorless. I knew I needed help. I looked. So strange to want to forget someone who loved so much. What to do when you realize that in the same proportion you gave love you received masked contempt of manipulation and low games?!

 

I read and I liked it

Based on disillusion

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I feel the interval of the jumps, I hear the wind that strikes the windows, I open them and I see nothing else. Love passes in an instant, a particular, heavy, vital temporal. I made a point of ignoring the losses, the deviations, the disappointments that always went hand in hand. Until it did not, and I did not realize it. Each passing day I miss more of these passing paths, the summer rain they call desire, love, affection, for which I gave myself (in depth) – until they drowned me. Storm that scares, breaks half said of things but irrigates the plantations, prepares the crops. The days were ruined so that they would come; expectations downhill, followed by unexpected happiness. I only feel that I have already enjoyed more, that I have loved more, and today I am less, surrounded by stories in half, lost in my own labyrinths. I wish I had been ideal, less self-centered, immune to the slaps of time, and whoever I had, and whoever I was. I’ve wanted it so badly that it’s almost banal now; because I complain about everything I’ve gone through, everything that still hurts, and if I could go back in time (hypocritical like myself) I would do it all over again.

 

Written by: Perina (@naoperina)

Translate by: @rascunhodraft

Image: Unknown

Diary · Poems

Sinking

i_feel_like_i__m_sinking____by_elenakalis-d54k16uAlternating good days and bad days you follow.

You never know what it will be.

You want to believe that everything changes,

For the best

of course!

And he clings to it.

You sink down one more time, there are days it seems like you can not take it.

You’re just crying and crying.

Suffocating

You ask God to help you.

And imagine that your dead mother is there to help you.

With you on your lap doing some fun.

“Everything will be fine. You are strong. You’ve been through this before. ”

Everything will be fine.

You sob once more.

And sleep.

 

Birthday Post · Special Thanks

Fist Year

1 ano

Yeah, We already have a year !!!

Today I see the great changes that have happened to me all this time. I remember that I started this blog because I wanted to speak the “language” of a person I liked very much and wanted to be heard by her. Nowadays all this does not make much sense, because although I have tried very hard to be much for this person, no effort of mine was recognized by her.niver
However, I have learned to express myself better and to express everything that hurts me. And I really like this universe.
I’ve shared many things with you and hearing what you have to say is very good. I remember one of the things I said to that same person: “I write about bad things to get them out of me, about the good things that I do not have so much urgency to write, because I want to prolong that feeling.” we talked about journals.
I have a notebook that I write when no words would make sense to another person, when the anguish is so great that I could not express myself coherently. So I write and cry and I get lighter.
The text “see you in the future” was the first one I wrote here that I reported what I was really feeling and it helped me to understand what was going on. Today, more than a year later, we are in the same moment, but the sensation is different. I am stronger, more determined, I know myself better and I understand what is good for me and I accept more easily that people should be left free.
Writing helped me understand this and see things as a whole and several comments from you have comforted me, put a smile on my face, as well as the texts that I have read of you.

                                                              I want to thank you for the followers and for the tanned ones in my blog. And I want to 100flwsay that your comment makes all the difference, that I am very glad to come here and see people from different parts of the world commenting, sharing something nice with me, sympathizing with my experiences, I feel much lighter when Someone tells me that he has identified with something I said, that he agrees with me or that he thinks differently but that he respects my point of view and explains how he thinks (sometimes it makes me think differently). No doubt you make me feel better is like group therapy. I write to improve my mood to take something sad, distressing from within me and when you give me the opportunity to talk about it through the responses of the comments it makes a lot more sense to me. Many thanks to all of you who read, who respond, who comment, who like. I love talking to you and discovering other amazing people who write amazing things and feel that too. Thank you very much, for this one year of partnership, you have made me better in many moments and I hope I have helped someone as well.

 

A thousand Kisses.

Gratitude!