Diary · Writing about life

It still hurts but not forever – I hope

gi-carved-healing-stone-58b9785a3df78c353cdd30bc“So far technology has succeeded in making us forget everything … except the things we do not want to remember” Michel Gondry.
This phrase comes from a movie that I really like “Eternal shine of a mind without memories”
I thought a lot about this movie today. How wonderful it would be to be able to erase all our memories. I have read that what keeps our memories alive is interest and emotion. That had (today I know that my interests and my emotions were different from yours and it hurts). The first few months without you I did not want to believe, I made excuses for myself to justify why you got out of my bed on Monday morning and did not come back. I figured I’d done something wrong but the weekend was so good? In the days that followed I did not want to look at your social networks, I was afraid of what you could be doing without me, I was glad to see your status on whatssapp and wait for your message. I never saw you online which was perfectly understandable since the person you spoke to most was me (if you ask, you will say no, as I said before, but how do you explain the two hours in the call history? and every night that we’ve been awake?), anyway, I waited. No Sinal. I focused on my change that would happen in a few days. I waited. No Sinal. I traveled. Confused, because I wanted you to go with me. And you were so close. Not a message. Neither a Merry Christmas nor a Happy New Year. Anything. I could not stand it and asked if something had happened if we had not enjoyed our evening together. You said you liked it a lot, but you did not want to get involved with anyone serious at the moment. Nothing made sense yet again. I respected it. A little later I realized that I had blocked myself in one in the instagram (I had already stopped following him and I realized that he too), after a long time without talking, I wanted to question him about it, instead I cursed a friend and the urge to tell him passed. I let it go, decide it was not worth the effort. On a beautiful day, a friend request appears. I accepted. I tried to pull the subject. Coldness. I tried to make a call. Lock again. This time I was not so rational. I undressed. The truth was not very well accepted. Because the truth is only good out of mouth, it gives throats inside it tastes bitter. We fought. For a change he chose silence to commit himself to explanations. It was all arranged, everything was staged as everything we live. The blow was hard. I made a huge effort to stand. Shortly thereafter it appears with another. Serious relationship. I uncontrolled. I was floorless. I knew I needed help. I looked. So strange to want to forget someone who loved so much. What to do when you realize that in the same proportion you gave love you received masked contempt of manipulation and low games?!

 

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I read and I liked it

Based on disillusion

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I feel the interval of the jumps, I hear the wind that strikes the windows, I open them and I see nothing else. Love passes in an instant, a particular, heavy, vital temporal. I made a point of ignoring the losses, the deviations, the disappointments that always went hand in hand. Until it did not, and I did not realize it. Each passing day I miss more of these passing paths, the summer rain they call desire, love, affection, for which I gave myself (in depth) – until they drowned me. Storm that scares, breaks half said of things but irrigates the plantations, prepares the crops. The days were ruined so that they would come; expectations downhill, followed by unexpected happiness. I only feel that I have already enjoyed more, that I have loved more, and today I am less, surrounded by stories in half, lost in my own labyrinths. I wish I had been ideal, less self-centered, immune to the slaps of time, and whoever I had, and whoever I was. I’ve wanted it so badly that it’s almost banal now; because I complain about everything I’ve gone through, everything that still hurts, and if I could go back in time (hypocritical like myself) I would do it all over again.

 

Written by: Perina (@naoperina)

Translate by: @rascunhodraft

Image: Unknown

Diary · Poems

Sinking

i_feel_like_i__m_sinking____by_elenakalis-d54k16uAlternating good days and bad days you follow.

You never know what it will be.

You want to believe that everything changes,

For the best

of course!

And he clings to it.

You sink down one more time, there are days it seems like you can not take it.

You’re just crying and crying.

Suffocating

You ask God to help you.

And imagine that your dead mother is there to help you.

With you on your lap doing some fun.

“Everything will be fine. You are strong. You’ve been through this before. ”

Everything will be fine.

You sob once more.

And sleep.

 

Diary

01/29/2018

Screenshot_2018-01-29-20-53-12

Some will say it is selfish. When thinking about it, also think about what you have contributed to reach that point. There is no selfishness when individualism has taken over people. Others will not understand the fact that I am happy, making jokes, probably these will be the people almost always distant, who does not like to hear that it is not well, that gives the standard answer “everyone has problems” How does one talk with this kind of person? Some have reminded me and are sure that they could have done more and others have not bothered to stop and think, to follow their lives normally, tomorrow is a new day. There are also those who wept over my body and will mourn my death, they will know exactly where they went wrong. I will not stand here pointing out the error of each one with me, I will not make this letter another chapter of thirteen reasons why, because I am free, maybe I still have to pay for it in an alternative world. Maybe there is a God and I should kneel at your feet and ask for forgiveness. I’m not afraid anymore. My fear is of empty, futile and individualistic people, who are happy with the suffering of others, my fear is of people who do not know what reciprocity is, who only expect the next gives more than nothing gives in return. My fear is of those who are silent when injustices occur or of those who find grace in the humiliation of others. I do not understand how the world works and I can not take love anymore. I apologize to my family, I loved you and I recognize your love for me, but the world is cruel. There is no comfort in death and unfortunately I can not say that everything will be fine, but I know they will find their way.

Outbursts

 

History

Graduation (The End)

Close up of a graduation cap and a certificate with a ribbon

 

I wish I could say I’ll miss you. That I will one day sit with my children and grandchildren the adventures and joys lived in this magical place. But no, it will not happen.

Getting here was definitely a win and I’m happy for that. But it was also arduous, it was painful, it was time consuming, it was painful.

First I got used to the furdunço that is the big city, to someone who came from the interior of the world, imagine. Then with loneliness, because although we have many people always, we are as lonely as in the desert, this is the worst kind of solitude. Gradually we get used to it, we get so busy that loneliness appears in rare moments when you allow yourself to look at life. And we walk some more and we try, we fail and try to improve the next.

Instead of telling the joys, I will tell how I became a stronger woman, how I cried for losing that bus, what made me late for work. How I got home at one o’clock in the morning, not knowing if I ate first I bathed or slept anyway, in my clothes all day long, with the sweat of a thousand people clinging to me. It happened to sleep almost face-to-face on the plate and no shower rs.

I’ll tell you how difficult it was to lose the best and only friend in college and then see her do bulyng with the one she called friend one day. As the saying goes, you only know people when you stop talking to them.

I will tell you how it was to move several times from home, to live with the elderly, young people, adults and children all in one house at the same time. I will tell the feeling of spending more important holidays at home alone while others celebrated with family.

I will remember telling them that college love is not always formed and that life is this, some are luckier than others and it does not mean that it is bad, it is all part of growth and contributes to a journey of high knowledge.

I will tell them that in the end I felt proud of the woman I am, who I became, stronger, more resistant.

Poems · Writing about life

Experiences (And if…)

customer-experience-predictions

And if I had not been born

How would my parents have lived?

If their death had not I cried

If André had fallen in love with me

And at 18 she had married

What children would I have had?

If I lived I would have chosen another state.

If another course had taken

How would you be a doctor or a veterinarian?

If I did not lose that bus

Because I arrived late

If I had ever entered that room

If I had not known you

Or made friends dear

Had I been happy?

If a heart had not been broken

In one thousand, one for each side.

How I would have become strong

And how the past learned?

If …

For each if presented

There are several paths to be followed and a modified self

I’m made of experiences.