I read and I liked it

What is missing from me?

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Written by: Bruna Monteiro (@espalhepoesia)

Translate by: Rascunho-Draft

 

I read and reread our conversation about five times, I did not find the error, I do not know where I went wrong, it seemed to be okay, and the next moment you disappeared. I should already have expected that its standard is this, spectacular entries, with flowers and chocolates wearing the most beautiful smile and most foul of all, and soon after a meaningless end, like those films that end in the middle of the story, without giving a reasonable explanation, and who watches only asks: that’s it? This is you, and I know by heart, I know all its faults, I know the lies told, the ragged excuses that come later, but I confess that lately I have been surprised, because the excuses are increasingly scarce, giving way to the disturbing silence . I struggle once more in that instant to seek something in my memory that may have made you turn away, but again I can not find out. Our last meeting was amazing, the best sex we’ve ever had, I know that every time it’s better than the previous one, but last week was something that surpassed everything we’ve ever done, because I was sure, thinking that I would not leave his arms so soon, despite to have made it clear that he did not want to be in a hurry, and to have asked to take one step at a time, so that this time there would be no end. But you completely run away from any pattern, from any line of reasoning, you do not make sense, I sleep thinking that everything is fine and according to the twisted world. What was missing in this story? What is wrong with me? Is there anything in this life that will make you stay and quit games?

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Diary

About Forgiveness

If the last person who hurt you would call you now, would you forgive? This is a current question on social networks. My answer? It’s not because someone hurt you once you have to allow it to continue. Forgiveness is often for ourselves. I sincerely believe that I am a good person and that I do not awaken evil in anyone, but if unfortunately evil reaches me, and we know that it reaches, I regard it as personal growth and I forgive the person, for me, for her and for others that will pass in my life and do not deserve to prove the bitterness that another caused. Every person who passes into our lives has the right to fulfill his role without the shadow of someone who is gone. Go in peace. You are forgiven.

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Diary

01/29/2018

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Some will say it is selfish. When thinking about it, also think about what you have contributed to reach that point. There is no selfishness when individualism has taken over people. Others will not understand the fact that I am happy, making jokes, probably these will be the people almost always distant, who does not like to hear that it is not well, that gives the standard answer “everyone has problems” How does one talk with this kind of person? Some have reminded me and are sure that they could have done more and others have not bothered to stop and think, to follow their lives normally, tomorrow is a new day. There are also those who wept over my body and will mourn my death, they will know exactly where they went wrong. I will not stand here pointing out the error of each one with me, I will not make this letter another chapter of thirteen reasons why, because I am free, maybe I still have to pay for it in an alternative world. Maybe there is a God and I should kneel at your feet and ask for forgiveness. I’m not afraid anymore. My fear is of empty, futile and individualistic people, who are happy with the suffering of others, my fear is of people who do not know what reciprocity is, who only expect the next gives more than nothing gives in return. My fear is of those who are silent when injustices occur or of those who find grace in the humiliation of others. I do not understand how the world works and I can not take love anymore. I apologize to my family, I loved you and I recognize your love for me, but the world is cruel. There is no comfort in death and unfortunately I can not say that everything will be fine, but I know they will find their way.

Outbursts

 

I read and I liked it

Grow up

Written

By: Unknown Author

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I have undergone great changes as I grow up, I have fallen, I have broken my face, but I am not as sad as most people. Because? Because deep inside I know that someone only grows, matures, when learns to stand alone in the midst of these tumbles. Many people claim that I have changed, that I am no longer the same, but nothing seems the same as it used to be. I chose to change, I chose to shut up when I have so much to say, I chose to give more priority in discovering who I really am, what goes on in my head, whether I am only accumulating opinions, or an original character created by my attitudes. I diligently seek to be a good person, no, I’m good, if I were not, what would I be ?! I’m tired of the advice everyone gives: “everything passes”, “one day you’ll laugh at it all,” they do not comfort me anymore. So I decided not to listen to what people say about me, I preferred not to know the opinion of those who do not interest me and influence, and to give life a chance, to be able to look at its good side, to inspire and ex-freak, to go back a little and relive moments that have done me so well, that made me who I am today. Retake friendships thrown away, go back and eat the same candy I ate in the presence of people who today are no longer here near me. To trust, to be able to love. One day I heard that loving is a way to revolutionize, change the world. I believed, because one day my life changed because of the love of the greatest revolutionary that ever existed, Jesus, and I do not regret it and I will never regret giving all the credits of my life to Him. Only when I decided to shut up, I discovered that my voice it also echoes inside me, and I end up talking to myself when I think no one else understands me. I no longer want my life equal to all that is seen, tired of appearances, decided to use the brain, and my character still in formation to conquer people.

 

 

 

History

Graduation (The End)

Close up of a graduation cap and a certificate with a ribbon

 

I wish I could say I’ll miss you. That I will one day sit with my children and grandchildren the adventures and joys lived in this magical place. But no, it will not happen.

Getting here was definitely a win and I’m happy for that. But it was also arduous, it was painful, it was time consuming, it was painful.

First I got used to the furdunço that is the big city, to someone who came from the interior of the world, imagine. Then with loneliness, because although we have many people always, we are as lonely as in the desert, this is the worst kind of solitude. Gradually we get used to it, we get so busy that loneliness appears in rare moments when you allow yourself to look at life. And we walk some more and we try, we fail and try to improve the next.

Instead of telling the joys, I will tell how I became a stronger woman, how I cried for losing that bus, what made me late for work. How I got home at one o’clock in the morning, not knowing if I ate first I bathed or slept anyway, in my clothes all day long, with the sweat of a thousand people clinging to me. It happened to sleep almost face-to-face on the plate and no shower rs.

I’ll tell you how difficult it was to lose the best and only friend in college and then see her do bulyng with the one she called friend one day. As the saying goes, you only know people when you stop talking to them.

I will tell you how it was to move several times from home, to live with the elderly, young people, adults and children all in one house at the same time. I will tell the feeling of spending more important holidays at home alone while others celebrated with family.

I will remember telling them that college love is not always formed and that life is this, some are luckier than others and it does not mean that it is bad, it is all part of growth and contributes to a journey of high knowledge.

I will tell them that in the end I felt proud of the woman I am, who I became, stronger, more resistant.

Poems · Stories

Trap (fairy tale upside down)

Sem títuloThe other time she said it would be the last.
He locked himself in his sand castle.
He could not remember how to walk on the street of homesickness and on the sidewalks of loneliness.
But she saw him crying and tried to approach.
Keep your feet on the ground while your head is in the clouds,
That’s what they said…
But it was too late.
It was a trap and she does not know how to get back
Her sand castle collapsed and she was unprotected.
If it’s not real, you can not play with like hands
Can not feel with the heart
But if you believe and even in the dark you can see
Maybe you can come back!

Writing about life

Almost there or considerations about the near future

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I’ve been thinking a lot about my plans. I’almost finishing my college, I’ve studied a lot and there’s still so much I want to do. I’ve been doing lists of what I want for now, what I’ve done and what I have to do before I actually finish college.
I lived here for 5 years but I still do not Know the city, I went to museums, exhibitions, parties, bars but there is still so much to see. I wanted to learn Italian and French and finally decided to enroll, Italian no yet, I started the Spanish course too, it is not my favorite language but learning is accurate.
I wanted a love ah… This is harder. So I started looking and found it, but I do no think it has yet. I lived here with the following thought, there is no love in São Paulo, and I think this is true, in parts, for a long time I thought it was the rush of the other, but I realized that deep down they do not want to, because it is easier to live without having to give to the other.
So I gave up, I decided they’re going to have to find me now. I did not give up on love, no that, but I’II leave it a while, inside me.